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| whooopieee home for the summer. now its hunting down a job time. lookin for a summer love [even though ive given up...? yes.] and figuring out how to stay in school in the fall and pay my ginormous-more-than-should-be-for-too-many-reasons bills. fml. :D hooray crazy family drama too! wooooo! and my newest dog, millie, is a beast and she attacks my old blind dog all the time. and the old three-legged dog is getting grumpier and grmpier which is sad cause he was always the sweetest creature.
anyway, i might get a frog or something. maybe a snake?
also, school ended yuckily. my orgs ended great. im a leader [with a not so great gpa but that's been a constant], i got with my besty and after like three weeks he decided he didnt want to give effort for a relationship, even though he initiated, and i was like fine, so we ended it quite anticlimactically and mutually, but i havent really hung out with him or spoken to him much, and he's been not so nice to [which is understandable to a degree because they dated a tiny bit before] to a mutual friend who still talks/hangs out with him... but anyway thats over and summer will be good for all of us. half my friends think i hate them. the other half with mutual ++'s i dont get to hang out with.
so ill just have to spend the next three months figuring out my plan. and becoming an adult. my friend told me on sunday 'something's different about you... you're growing up.' and it made me sick to my stomach. i died a little inside. cant let that happen anymore. no more stress. no more seriousness. just happiness, and creativity, and art, and new stuff.
i kinda want to go to church, like whoa. it's been too long. :(
but overall i'm good!!! i swear!
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| so... why is it that when i come back to my weblog. its when im depressed, and it usually is like a splash of cold water in the face and makes me feel infinitely better.
so, me and jeff ended shortly after that last post i think. i still have his ring. douche. who knows if we'll ever speak again. certainly not on his account. my rebound from him turned into something so much more serious than i expected, and ended in heartbeak because this boy is selfish, a coward, and fickle in addition to just a kid. on and off since my last birthday, it ended abruptly out of the blue after he asked me to become much more intimate with him, and after i had laid down all my cards, given him all my secrets he gives me "i dont think im ready for a committed relationship with one person." WTF right? like... uh... OK freak, i was just about to give you everything and then you toss me aside because you dont know what you want, after YOU used the big L word first, and YOU wanted more intimacy, and YOU were the one making plans for the future. well buddy... YOU're missing out on the best thing to ever enter your life, the person who cared the most about you, and your only genuine friend who isnt an asshole.
lol, anyway i was pissed, and i had every right to be, and i dont feel any desire to talk to him anymore or be his friend, like i said i would. he doesnt deserve squat from me. but i feel SOOOO MUCH better now.
then i was chillin with my best friend who has yucky taste in boys but occasionally finds someone phoenomenal, and of course, i just now began to crush on his crush, who he rightfully has dibs on of course. but i love my friend more than anything and i want him to be happy, so of course, he comes first. yeah i may have a few stray, rogue thoughts, but charles comes first because its always been bro's before ho's, and always will be.
i helped found UT's Gay Bi Progressive men's fraternity. im the sargeant at arms. that's a whole story in itself. we'll see how that turns out. I've grown as an artist a lot too. and i've learned that i really care a lot more than i realzed about several of my friends. and i got a puppy, Millie the Monster.
there is so much more that i have to share but so little time. i'll be back to my xanga soon. i miss it.
haha my overly zealous mood prompted an IM to my ex. yikes. its like... a drunk call. woops. :D
catch ya later. keep on keepin on.
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| i feel awful cause im terrible at keeping up blogs, and i have so much witty things to share always.
right now i feel kind of in limbo. its a strange familiar feeling i havent felt in a while. not necessarily pleasant tho. so to fill you in:
semester three in art school begins in two weeks. i move next weekend. i havent packed. im not sure how im paying for school, muchless when i need to pay what. so im kinda screwed. but eh ill figure it out. i hope. i cant wait to be away from my family, who once im gone i will miss dearly and be sad and lonely. but i miss my friends who when i see i will be aching to be rid of. its a win win. im going to live in supplemental housing which means three OTHER people in ONE room. wth. and i dont know where or who till the day i move. saturday. i just hope its not jester. i got books but not art supplies yet. im broke. i cant even play my stupid computer game. i hope i have friends to entertain me. i hope my new roommates are hot and nice and smart and cool. in that order maybe. i hope i make new friends.
OH and so i work at pottery barn kids, right? well like two years ago a boy joined the 'team'. ryan. psh. he was just a little more gay than me, and a little more social. and white. which hopefully doesnt mean anything. but everyone loves/ed him. everyone talks to him. and everyone preaches about him. and hes friends with my mom. but he like, never speaks to me. atleast he never used to, recently we moved on to small toalk. its nice. anyway, i was there first. then he was second. then another gay boy worked but he wasnt as cool as either of us so he left. but whatever those two hung out. not me. they didnt like me :(. so i go away to school and work holidays. no one ever made me a cake. or a funny hat. or anything special. heck i was lucky if they told me 'bye' at the end of a day. but him, he just transferred to UT, where i already go btw. and its practically a party for him for more than one day. practically hosted by my mom and the managers. OH also he had employee of the month before me
took him like two months. took me like two years. wth. and i used to fuckin work my ass off for that store, but i dojnt anymore because no one appreciated it. anyway like i was saying. he was number two copycat for school too. BUT i cant hate him like i want to!!! cause he's nice and not ugly and is friends with my mom. damnit. maybe we'll be friends this semester. oh also he's wealthy and motivated and self-sufficient. wth. but i might call him number two under my breath all the tie. i think thats a nice way of satisfying my needs, but still being nice. cause he is nice.
my friend andrea doesnt go to church any more. it makes me sad. i dont think i really liked anyone from highschool but her and lexi. and now i hardly see either of them. i hope i dont loose touch with my ut friends. or fall too much out of synch. i wonder if i will ever go back to my hippies. the two jerks are gone, i think. we'll see. again, worked my butt off and not only unappreciated and unrecognized, but BLAMED for their own shortcomings. so idk.
my sister lives in NYC on the weekends and works in boston. shes so far away. and we have a new house. and were not done moving after like two months lol. my mom runs herself ragged so we dont have time since she wont get me insurance or take me to get my license. so our house is half empty and our other house is a mess. like its always been. and my grams tries to kidnap me every day. and shes the reason we moved. cause she hates my mom and is jealous. but yay i finally FINALLY have 'my own room'. if you only knew.
my dog has heartworms and i pray she doesnt die but im broke and cant take her to the vet even to put her to sleep like i should. and no one is helping me. and im probably so freaking depressed that every day is a struggle to do whatever. lol or im just lazy [i hope thats not all of it] or im a victim of circumstance. or all of the above.
jeff and i didnt exactly break up, we 'took a break' but neither of us are sure if we'll ever get back together or whats gonna happen. but we still have each other's rings, if that means something. which i hope it does. but we hardly speak. his apathy toward me pisses me off tremendously, and my imagination and flares of emotion, which he claims he doesnt have time for, piss him off, which pisses me off even more. he says the break is for him to catch up with school and just take time for himself, which is completely fine with me and very understandable and acceptable [except it sounds to me like he blames me for his past semster grades, and i seem to be the only change in his life cause he sure doesnt seem to be hanging out less or going out less or drinking less, more of all that i'd say]. but i guess my problem is that if i left it up to him, he'd probably have nothing to do with me [as in not ever call or im or txt or fb or anything] and then i assume [since he's loyal as all getout, to a fault] that one day months from now, when his education and financial status are balanced again, he might want to try to pick up where we came to a screeching halt. but i cant do that. i cant make things stop and dissappear and then pick them up again and pretend nothing has happened to me for months. we think/work in two different ways. and thats just life i guess.
so idk we'll see. i love him to death, and i want him to be happy, but i want to be happy too. heck i want to be happy with him, but i dont know how long i can wait. because im fucking awesome, by the way, and im not going to just sit at home and twiddle my thumbs and cry for him anymore, i cant do it anymore. im going to be david, and im going to be fucking sweet like i used to be. no, ill be even better, because i should be. like i said, idk what will happen, but we'll see. im in no rush really anywhere, and its not like theres any one else for either of us. but i have good friends, and i hope he does too, and mine tell me to drop him. idk what his tell him. but im my own person, and so is he. i know i can wait for him some more, because of where i am and how i feel about him, but like i said, i'm david too. and david grows at his own pace in his own way. dont forget that too.
and i feel like im going to explode. i need something. but am getting nothing. sure new pants and a pearl snap shirt. but thats empty. i need something real. my relationship is cold. my family is spread so thin [dads with fema and even when hes home we dont talk] and my friends... im not sure we're so friendly mostly, and being around my dog breaks my heart, and im trapped in my house or at my moms school, or at grams or at work.
trapped is probably the best word to describe my life for the past 20 years. but its probably all my own fault for letting it be so and not finding some latter to crawl out of my box. so i dont deserve pity. sure, toss me a rope if you can but nobody needs to, i have to climb out on my own, and see what it's like on the outside.
i hope this semester will get me chuggin along those lines. eh, i guess thats it for now.
p.s. i have heartburn.
OH and while shopping i found awesome jeans but the only pair that fit me was on the mannequin so the lady had to strip him and it was akward and sexual and i saw plastic ass and she cupped plastic crotch and legs were in the air and it was crazy. got a phone pic. good times. great pants. ill look so good.
ok ttyl
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| lol i havent been on xanga for awhile and this new format is crazy
my parents are driving me nuts
my sister is moving to new york so i can deal with them by myself
idk where im gonna live next semester since my parents wont help
i feel like a stick in the mud
jeff is so far away
i hope i see him soon im dyin here
im mad at a bunch of people for really no reason other than im dumb jealous ad stuck on myself. i really need a huge piece of humble pie i think
this summer is probably going to suck
who knows where ill be next year :(
i gotta turn in a paper in like half an hour
im gonna go play my game, my current character is 'Blizzard Boi' and he's cute and kicks ass with ice powers and blue tights
i really wanna lean how to swim
i guess thats all for now...
=w= forever. peace.
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| i miss jeff. im sick. and now im on antibiotics cause i didnt finish my other antibiotics when i was sick a couple weeks ago. i miss jeff. a lot. i feel hot and i want to take off my clothes and cool off but that's not nice to do in public places so much. i had something to say but i forgot. i'll try not to breathe on you. i miss jeff. i practically have to sneak phone calls because my mother always talks to me about anything and everything and has the worst timing so i only get to talk to him really when i go to bed but then im so sleepy. poop. and my dad is just crasy. also i owe my sister $45. :) its comin sis. anyway... jeff makes my tummy feel better. p.s. im such a sap, but what eva i do what i want. | | |
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